Where we are now: a quick journal post
Hi everyone,
Before I start sharing our old videos, pictures, and moments from our journey, I just wanted to make a quick post.
Once again, bear with me—I’m still figuring out this whole blog-and-computer thing. I’m about to turn 40 in less than a month, but trying to set up this blog makes me feel like I’m turning 80. My knees and body hurt every time I get up too, but that’s another story—and not your problem lol.
The pictures, videos, journal entries, and reenactments will be very hard for family and close friends to read or see. Please know that I am not trying to relive this horrific situation or dwell on the past, but rather to look toward the future and, hopefully, help others.
I want to be completely honest and transparent (which was always my intention for this blog): I’ve had an EXTREMELY hard time doing this. For one, I am TERRIBLE with computers (like I mentioned lol) or any type of technical stuff, so it takes me eight hours to do what might take most people three or four (but who knows—I’m learning). The second part is that reliving all of this takes an obvious mental toll. I don’t think anyone can truly understand what this entails except those who have watched a loved one experience a brain injury—and, of course, the survivors themselves. Grieving a living person is the most MESSED UP thing you could ever experience, in so many ways. I often feel like I’m swirling around in an alternate universe. From what Ashlee has told me and shown me, she’s light years ahead of me (good for her lol). I want to make it clear: this isn’t about me. I spend every second wishing it were me and not her—but that’s a whole different entry.
The video I posted to “launch” the blog contains a lot of pictures from our wedding day, along with our wedding song. After we finally came home 4 ½ months later, it took me another four months just to be able to listen to music—ANY music. I can’t explain why, because music has always been my comfort. I started slowly easing back into it, feeling it in my soul, but still avoiding certain songs that remind me of Ashlee (which is most of them). I hadn’t listened to our wedding song until I posted that video. I also hadn’t looked at many of those photos—besides the ones I occasionally share—since everything happened. I still haven’t gone through our professional pictures, because it’s just too much right now. I’ll be honest: these things make me spiral emotionally (don’t worry, I’m okay). Sometimes it even feels hard to breathe (panic attack), but I’m learning how to reel myself back in. I just want everyone to know where I’m at—and I know a lot of people (spouses, family members, friends) can relate.
This is why THIS feels so important to me—because I know I’m not alone in these confusing, depressing, WHIRLWIND emotions. I also want to be clear, especially for people who haven’t met me in person: if I EVER joke or make light of a situation, it’s only when I feel it’s appropriate in our circumstances. I would never want to disrespect or offend anyone.
Welcome once again to our journey, and into my deepest thoughts (sorry in advance lol).
*Another warning, I am going to post a lot of videos I took from the start. Forgive me for the terrible sound quality and video quality, I never wanted to show her face, I just took them mostly in a time of desperation in the beginning. It’s hard to put into words what happened, but these small videos will show some of it. I’d say there was a collective 8 hours of sleep a week for 4 1/2 months for the both of us, and these videos are NOT to embarrass my love; but to help others dealing with this uncertainty. These videos are also helping me remember everything that happened, unfortunately and fortunately at the same time.*
Much love and gratitude,
Jennifer and Ashlee Cioffi
